If Wine Grape Varieties Were Your Valentine

February 12, 2021

Maybe this sounds familiar: You drink a glass of your favorite wine, and it feels like the wine is seducing you. You didn’t really notice it before, but sparks fly—this is wild!—and suddenly it all starts to make sense; it’s love, only it’s just wine. The next best thing would be to find a new lover, a human one, who can fill the void in your heart.

Here are the human equivalents of five of our most popular grape varieties to help guide you on your path this Valentine’s Day.

1) CABERNET SAUVIGNON

Your valentine is a marketing executive with a nice car. In high school, they were voted “Most Likely to Succeed.” They make a killer lasagna. Your valentine is Cabernet Sauvignon. Tall, dark, head-turning attractive, and always popular, but convinced they’re just another regular Joe looking for that special someone to share the rest of their life with. If they play their cards right, they’ll win you over in spades. Lucky for you, right is the only way they know how to play their cards.

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2) CHARDONNAY

Summa Cum Laude. Speaks five languages. Bassoon virtuoso. An overachiever? Maybe, but Chardonnay is nothing short of an impressive date. The grape is known as the chameleon of varieties because its flavor reflects the environment it comes from. And like the grape, your valentine feels at home discussing topics in several fields, from baseball to Broadway musicals to laser tag. Listen to your mother: Don’t screw this one up.

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3) MERLOT

Easy-going, soft-hearted, and sociable, Merlot is the valentine that gets you flowers not because they match your outfit but because they match your wallpaper, which is sweet in its thoughtful way. More than likely, Merlot works in academia—the humanities department to be specific—keen on history and literature. If poetry gets your gears going, Merlot knows the best poems and keeps them among a comprehensive book collection. How to make this valentine blush? Read them a poem by Keats.

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4) PINOT NOIR

Your valentine is an artist with a magnetic smile, a personality that sparkles with candor and whimsy; their beauty casts a magic spell where you just can’t look away. Sounds like a Pinot Noir across your dinner table! But Pinot Noir has an artist’s temperament. Like the grape, they’re thin-skinned and therefore prone to misunderstandings, so when things are bad, they’re bad, but when they’re good, they’re amazing. Pinot Noir is a good match for people who think drama is the spice of life.

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5) SAUVIGNON BLANC

Camping gear? Check. Scented candles? Check. Prius? Checkmate! Like the grape variety, which often carries an aura of herbaceous flavor, your valentine, Sauvignon Blanc, is an earth-minded lover of mother nature. When they aren’t volunteering at the local river clean-up, they’re improving upon a new recipe for kimchi and kombucha. But they’re not all trail mix and recycling; if you’re lucky, they’ll take you on a canoe ride you’ll never forget.

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